Honestly, life sucks right now

“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Going well! How about with you?”

This is my script. Things are going well and I am so blessed. Whenever anyone asks how things are, I am aware that it is just a social statement, a kindness – they do not actually want to know. So “it’s going well.” is what always comes out of my mouth, and then I immediately return the gesture.

It would be silly to respond truthfully, it would be awkward. No one actually wants a response that is blunt, honest, and to the point. Because if I were totally honest with anyone lately, it would be “life sucks right now”. Then what? How would they respond to that? “Sorry to hear that”? Then awkwardly shuffle away? Who knows. I would never subject anyone to that position.

Right now, however, I need to be honest. Life sucks. I hate that life sucks, I wish it didn’t, but that’s where we are at for the time being. I love my kids, I love my husband, and for the most part I know I lead a very blessed life. There are times, like now, where it just seems like everything is going wrong. Where I am just grasping at the air, trying to find a life line. It is suffocating, overwhelming, terrifying.

I recently started back seeing a psychiatrist and she is working to get me into a therapist as well. I am on low doses of two medications, both of which will be upped over time until they take affect. Then we will assess and see if they are working and/or if we need to add any other medication as well. I am very thankful for my psychiatrist, I think she’s awesome! The last few I have had were all terrible, so it is reassuring to get along so well and feel safe with her.

That being said, the doses are very, very low for now. Every two weeks we will raise the dose. So while I know this is a step in the right direction, it’s not really doing anything right now. Thus I still feel trapped.

It’s just – things always seems to go badly all at the same time. It can be little stuff, it can be big stuff, but if they all happen at once it just feels ridiculous. I cry a lot these days. I hide in my room and distance myself from everyone. I cannot function on a day to day basis right now. I just don’t know where to turn or what else to do. I can just rattle off what’s going on, try to process it, but does it matter? Really? I don’t think it does. It’s easier to just say “Life sucks right now”.

There is no profound message to this entry. I will continue to trudge forward, doing what I can to keep afloat, and hope that a lifeline will be thrown my way soon. Keep going, keep trying, wait for the shift. Wait for the light.

I’ll see you soon.
Steph.

Chaotic, Crazy Life

I have always been one to crave simplicity. I don’t like large, flashy houses. I don’t like being in the city for more than a few days at a time. I don’t like loud, screaming music. I like the country side and the ocean. I like rustic farm homes where family stays close. I like music with solid structure and skillful lyrics. I do, however, like crazy, loud, action packed movies and television shows, but not before bed.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to love screamo thrasher metal bands. I loved to push the envelope with violence and gore. I loved going into the city to see shows in over-crowded rooms. The louder life was, the better. When my mental health quickly began to decline at the end of 2014, I started to realize I did this things to block out the noise inside myself. If life was constantly going and moving, I didn’t have to worry about what was happening inside of me. Suddenly, I was forced to really look at what was going on. I had no choice. I had a child and a husband, I was in the hospital, I was suddenly very aware of everything that was wrong.

Learning I was bipolar was actually one of the greatest reliefs I have ever felt. I had a name to my demon. There was a reason I was this way. It wasn’t just me being unable to handle life, it wasn’t just me being a failure – I had tangible proof that something else was going on and now all I had to do was treat it.

Shortly after beginning treatment, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. She was not remotely planned, and was a huge shock. I had to stop all medical treatment because none of it was safe for my baby girl. That was 2 years ago. I have yet to go back to a therapist, I have yet to get back on medication. It’s showing.  I know I need to get back into seeking help. It’s…surprisingly a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I find I get extremely overwhelmed when I begin the process, sometimes it leads me to a panic attack. But I know I need to do this — not just for myself, but for my husband and my daughters. They deserve me at my best and so I have to do what is necessary. I am hoping that within the next few weeks I will begin that road again.

This blog is for myself. A written account of my life as I just try to live with bipolar and manic depression. An account to myself that yes, this is where you started — but look how far you’ve come. It is going to be raw, real, and at times it’s going to be down right crappy. But it is my life, my soul – my way of bearing it all for the world and God to see. I can’t keep ignoring it and hiding it. It is time to come clean and be real.

So let’s be real.

I’ll see you soon.
Steph