“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Going well! How about with you?”
This is my script. Things are going well and I am so blessed. Whenever anyone asks how things are, I am aware that it is just a social statement, a kindness – they do not actually want to know. So “it’s going well.” is what always comes out of my mouth, and then I immediately return the gesture.
It would be silly to respond truthfully, it would be awkward. No one actually wants a response that is blunt, honest, and to the point. Because if I were totally honest with anyone lately, it would be “life sucks right now”. Then what? How would they respond to that? “Sorry to hear that”? Then awkwardly shuffle away? Who knows. I would never subject anyone to that position.
Right now, however, I need to be honest. Life sucks. I hate that life sucks, I wish it didn’t, but that’s where we are at for the time being. I love my kids, I love my husband, and for the most part I know I lead a very blessed life. There are times, like now, where it just seems like everything is going wrong. Where I am just grasping at the air, trying to find a life line. It is suffocating, overwhelming, terrifying.
I recently started back seeing a psychiatrist and she is working to get me into a therapist as well. I am on low doses of two medications, both of which will be upped over time until they take affect. Then we will assess and see if they are working and/or if we need to add any other medication as well. I am very thankful for my psychiatrist, I think she’s awesome! The last few I have had were all terrible, so it is reassuring to get along so well and feel safe with her.
That being said, the doses are very, very low for now. Every two weeks we will raise the dose. So while I know this is a step in the right direction, it’s not really doing anything right now. Thus I still feel trapped.
It’s just – things always seems to go badly all at the same time. It can be little stuff, it can be big stuff, but if they all happen at once it just feels ridiculous. I cry a lot these days. I hide in my room and distance myself from everyone. I cannot function on a day to day basis right now. I just don’t know where to turn or what else to do. I can just rattle off what’s going on, try to process it, but does it matter? Really? I don’t think it does. It’s easier to just say “Life sucks right now”.
There is no profound message to this entry. I will continue to trudge forward, doing what I can to keep afloat, and hope that a lifeline will be thrown my way soon. Keep going, keep trying, wait for the shift. Wait for the light.
I’ll see you soon.