Hardships and Jealousy

Oh, it is such a nasty word. It is such a nasty feeling. But we all experience it at one point or another – quite often. Whether we want to admit it or not. I hate to say that I have been struggling with it a lot recently. For a multitude of reasons.

We have had to make many sacrifices in order for me to be a stay at home mom. Recently, I had to make even more sacrifices in order to have the funds to pursue therapy and psychiatrist appointments. I am extremely thankful that I am finally on medication again and receiving talk therapy. But I had to make some choices that really sucked. It feels like it was the end of an era for us in a lot of ways. I sold off all my chickens, our cat had to find a new home, my daughter finished dance class, I had to use my tattoo fund to repair my car – a lot of good was suddenly gone. I think it hit me a lot harder than I expected because the other night… I just cried. A lot. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even explain to my husband why I was crying. I just did. For hours. Until I fell asleep.

In a way, crying like that helps tremendously. I had all this pent up sorrow that I was really trying to ignore. But I got it out in the open. I don’t feel better. It didn’t make the sorrow go away, but it did get a conversation going with my husband and it got me to really look at the things that were hurting me.

My family is going through a very hard season. We are not financially steady, I have all of my mental health issues, my husband is over loaded and over stressed and we are seeing no end in sight. Money can’t buy happiness, but damn it can really help. Both of our cars need repairs, we need a new kitchen floor, we need a new fence, we need a new back door. My kids are bored to death but I can’t afford anywhere fun. We haven’t been on a trip since September. My husband and I haven’t gotten away together since before our 19 month old was born.

And I was okay with that for a while. But now it’s summer. I have watched 3 groups of friends/family head over to the UK, I have watched people travel to the other side of the country, to the beach, to some islands. And it’s this weird feeling of “oh, I’m so excited for them!” and “oh, I’m so sad for me.” I have a wandering desire. I don’t like feeling so stuck. I knew I would be somewhat stuck when I became a parent, but then everything else happened and my exploring days were suddenly over.

People are just DOING all of these fun, exciting things while I sit here wishing I could have a car that doesn’t shake when I drive. I vent to my husband and my closest friend, but for the most part I feel I do a good job hiding it. Because I love my family and I love the fun things that we are able to do. I love that my kids are happy most of the time. If I fill up the kiddie pool in the back yard, it’s the best day ever for them! I am so, so thankful that I can continue to keep them happy in our times of struggle.

My husband and I are working really hard to be even more frugal than we have been. There are some areas we haven’t made sacrifice. My huge one recently was selling my chickens. I still get teary eyed knowing I won’t ever see my feathered babies again. But we talked about how much money we spend on COFFEE. the elixir of the Gods! We are both cutting down to one store bought coffee a week. I am aiming for every other week. But I won’t be mad at myself if I get it every weekend. It’s a treat. A $3 treat. But how much we’ve been “treating ourselves” added up to $30 a month. Not huge, but still, $30 to put to something else.

I am praying my husband and I get some time away soon. Our anniversary is at the end of next month and I am just praying as hard as I can that we can get away. Even if it’s donw the street. Out of the house, away from everyone, and just doing us. It is crazy how you can fall asleep beside someone every single night and yet miss them so much. We need some time to just focus on our relationship. It’s not broken, we aren’t falling apart. But it is definitely getting a little rusty and it’s time to polish it up a bit with some real TLC. Cross your fingers for me.

I deactivated my facebook and am really stepping away from social media while I try to reign in my jealousy problems. I don’t blame anyone but myself for feeling this way and I think taking a step back and really allowing myself to focus on my life and no one elses is going to help but everything back into perspective for me.

I hope so at least.

Mental Health update: my psychiatrist up my dosage on one med, things the other one is good, and will probably introduce a third next month when I see her again. I haven’t seen much progress in my emotional/mental state, but I am finally sleeping at night. I wasn’t at all before the meds. So I’m thankful for that! I see my therapist next Thursday. No idea what to expect, but that’s okay. The first time went well and I am looking forward to seeing her again! Until then, just going to focus on the positives and do me! Woo!

I’ll see you soon.
Steph.

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Spontaneous Combustion

If you are like me – and by like me, I mean BIPOLAR – then you have had moments where you have lost all control. Unfortunately, when you are bipolar you learn that can also mean you have an anger issue. Bipolar manifests itself in different ways in different people, that much is true. I do not have the manic episodes filled with sex, over-spending, and bad long-lasting life decisions like others that I know. They do not have the self-harm riddled, suicide-attempt filled, blackest of days lows that I have. It’s all different. Which really sucks sometimes.

The big thing I am dealing with right now is my outbursts. When life gets stressful (well, more stressful. it’s never not stressful) I can slowly feel the build up over time and I just know it’s coming. It’s like a ticking bomb, but the countdown doesn’t make any sense at all! It could explode at 10, 3, o, or -20. I have no idea, I just know it’s coming. I never know what that one thing will be that sets it off.

I hate it. I hate being scared of myself. When these moments happen that I am just overcome by rage and stress – I am not myself. I am not attached. It’s like a leave my own body and watch myself completely lose it while desperately trying to make it all stop. But I can’t. It just keeps going.

I have found the best way to cope with these moments is to go for a drive. I drive around our neighborhood a lot. To the point that I wonder if the people around us know what’s going on. “Oh there goes Steph…she must have snapped again.” “Poor hubby, he deserves so much better than this.” “Man, I hope her girls are coping okay. Their mom is nuts.”

Who knows. But what I *do* know is that driving helps. I cut on a worship album, buckle in, and just go. I have 3 different routes of varying length depending on how bad the episode feels. And I’ve also had extremely bad episodes that have landed me in a different state. That being said, I only live about an hour from the border, but it’s still a sobering experience to realize I’ve left my home state just trying to get away from myself.

These drives are not the end-all, fix-all, as much as I wish they were. They help in the moment, so I don’t hurt someone else or myself. So I don’t say or do something I might regret. It’s a very small comfort in the long scheme of things to know that when I am about to lose all control, i have just enough to get out. To get away. To protect those that I love and protect myself from whatever is about to come.

These outbursts take a lot out of me though. I will either sleep for as long as the world will let me, completely shut down for a few days, or just cry for a few hours. It always leads to exhaustion.

I don’t know how to deal with these. I had a combustion tonight. I drove. I feel better, but not really. It was a small explosion, so I am waiting, terrified, for the big one. I hate having no control of myself. I hate it so much.

I’ll see you soon.