Hardships and Jealousy

Oh, it is such a nasty word. It is such a nasty feeling. But we all experience it at one point or another – quite often. Whether we want to admit it or not. I hate to say that I have been struggling with it a lot recently. For a multitude of reasons.

We have had to make many sacrifices in order for me to be a stay at home mom. Recently, I had to make even more sacrifices in order to have the funds to pursue therapy and psychiatrist appointments. I am extremely thankful that I am finally on medication again and receiving talk therapy. But I had to make some choices that really sucked. It feels like it was the end of an era for us in a lot of ways. I sold off all my chickens, our cat had to find a new home, my daughter finished dance class, I had to use my tattoo fund to repair my car – a lot of good was suddenly gone. I think it hit me a lot harder than I expected because the other night… I just cried. A lot. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even explain to my husband why I was crying. I just did. For hours. Until I fell asleep.

In a way, crying like that helps tremendously. I had all this pent up sorrow that I was really trying to ignore. But I got it out in the open. I don’t feel better. It didn’t make the sorrow go away, but it did get a conversation going with my husband and it got me to really look at the things that were hurting me.

My family is going through a very hard season. We are not financially steady, I have all of my mental health issues, my husband is over loaded and over stressed and we are seeing no end in sight. Money can’t buy happiness, but damn it can really help. Both of our cars need repairs, we need a new kitchen floor, we need a new fence, we need a new back door. My kids are bored to death but I can’t afford anywhere fun. We haven’t been on a trip since September. My husband and I haven’t gotten away together since before our 19 month old was born.

And I was okay with that for a while. But now it’s summer. I have watched 3 groups of friends/family head over to the UK, I have watched people travel to the other side of the country, to the beach, to some islands. And it’s this weird feeling of “oh, I’m so excited for them!” and “oh, I’m so sad for me.” I have a wandering desire. I don’t like feeling so stuck. I knew I would be somewhat stuck when I became a parent, but then everything else happened and my exploring days were suddenly over.

People are just DOING all of these fun, exciting things while I sit here wishing I could have a car that doesn’t shake when I drive. I vent to my husband and my closest friend, but for the most part I feel I do a good job hiding it. Because I love my family and I love the fun things that we are able to do. I love that my kids are happy most of the time. If I fill up the kiddie pool in the back yard, it’s the best day ever for them! I am so, so thankful that I can continue to keep them happy in our times of struggle.

My husband and I are working really hard to be even more frugal than we have been. There are some areas we haven’t made sacrifice. My huge one recently was selling my chickens. I still get teary eyed knowing I won’t ever see my feathered babies again. But we talked about how much money we spend on COFFEE. the elixir of the Gods! We are both cutting down to one store bought coffee a week. I am aiming for every other week. But I won’t be mad at myself if I get it every weekend. It’s a treat. A $3 treat. But how much we’ve been “treating ourselves” added up to $30 a month. Not huge, but still, $30 to put to something else.

I am praying my husband and I get some time away soon. Our anniversary is at the end of next month and I am just praying as hard as I can that we can get away. Even if it’s donw the street. Out of the house, away from everyone, and just doing us. It is crazy how you can fall asleep beside someone every single night and yet miss them so much. We need some time to just focus on our relationship. It’s not broken, we aren’t falling apart. But it is definitely getting a little rusty and it’s time to polish it up a bit with some real TLC. Cross your fingers for me.

I deactivated my facebook and am really stepping away from social media while I try to reign in my jealousy problems. I don’t blame anyone but myself for feeling this way and I think taking a step back and really allowing myself to focus on my life and no one elses is going to help but everything back into perspective for me.

I hope so at least.

Mental Health update: my psychiatrist up my dosage on one med, things the other one is good, and will probably introduce a third next month when I see her again. I haven’t seen much progress in my emotional/mental state, but I am finally sleeping at night. I wasn’t at all before the meds. So I’m thankful for that! I see my therapist next Thursday. No idea what to expect, but that’s okay. The first time went well and I am looking forward to seeing her again! Until then, just going to focus on the positives and do me! Woo!

I’ll see you soon.
Steph.

Honestly, life sucks right now

“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Going well! How about with you?”

This is my script. Things are going well and I am so blessed. Whenever anyone asks how things are, I am aware that it is just a social statement, a kindness – they do not actually want to know. So “it’s going well.” is what always comes out of my mouth, and then I immediately return the gesture.

It would be silly to respond truthfully, it would be awkward. No one actually wants a response that is blunt, honest, and to the point. Because if I were totally honest with anyone lately, it would be “life sucks right now”. Then what? How would they respond to that? “Sorry to hear that”? Then awkwardly shuffle away? Who knows. I would never subject anyone to that position.

Right now, however, I need to be honest. Life sucks. I hate that life sucks, I wish it didn’t, but that’s where we are at for the time being. I love my kids, I love my husband, and for the most part I know I lead a very blessed life. There are times, like now, where it just seems like everything is going wrong. Where I am just grasping at the air, trying to find a life line. It is suffocating, overwhelming, terrifying.

I recently started back seeing a psychiatrist and she is working to get me into a therapist as well. I am on low doses of two medications, both of which will be upped over time until they take affect. Then we will assess and see if they are working and/or if we need to add any other medication as well. I am very thankful for my psychiatrist, I think she’s awesome! The last few I have had were all terrible, so it is reassuring to get along so well and feel safe with her.

That being said, the doses are very, very low for now. Every two weeks we will raise the dose. So while I know this is a step in the right direction, it’s not really doing anything right now. Thus I still feel trapped.

It’s just – things always seems to go badly all at the same time. It can be little stuff, it can be big stuff, but if they all happen at once it just feels ridiculous. I cry a lot these days. I hide in my room and distance myself from everyone. I cannot function on a day to day basis right now. I just don’t know where to turn or what else to do. I can just rattle off what’s going on, try to process it, but does it matter? Really? I don’t think it does. It’s easier to just say “Life sucks right now”.

There is no profound message to this entry. I will continue to trudge forward, doing what I can to keep afloat, and hope that a lifeline will be thrown my way soon. Keep going, keep trying, wait for the shift. Wait for the light.

I’ll see you soon.
Steph.

Chaotic, Crazy Life

I have always been one to crave simplicity. I don’t like large, flashy houses. I don’t like being in the city for more than a few days at a time. I don’t like loud, screaming music. I like the country side and the ocean. I like rustic farm homes where family stays close. I like music with solid structure and skillful lyrics. I do, however, like crazy, loud, action packed movies and television shows, but not before bed.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to love screamo thrasher metal bands. I loved to push the envelope with violence and gore. I loved going into the city to see shows in over-crowded rooms. The louder life was, the better. When my mental health quickly began to decline at the end of 2014, I started to realize I did this things to block out the noise inside myself. If life was constantly going and moving, I didn’t have to worry about what was happening inside of me. Suddenly, I was forced to really look at what was going on. I had no choice. I had a child and a husband, I was in the hospital, I was suddenly very aware of everything that was wrong.

Learning I was bipolar was actually one of the greatest reliefs I have ever felt. I had a name to my demon. There was a reason I was this way. It wasn’t just me being unable to handle life, it wasn’t just me being a failure – I had tangible proof that something else was going on and now all I had to do was treat it.

Shortly after beginning treatment, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. She was not remotely planned, and was a huge shock. I had to stop all medical treatment because none of it was safe for my baby girl. That was 2 years ago. I have yet to go back to a therapist, I have yet to get back on medication. It’s showing.  I know I need to get back into seeking help. It’s…surprisingly a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I find I get extremely overwhelmed when I begin the process, sometimes it leads me to a panic attack. But I know I need to do this — not just for myself, but for my husband and my daughters. They deserve me at my best and so I have to do what is necessary. I am hoping that within the next few weeks I will begin that road again.

This blog is for myself. A written account of my life as I just try to live with bipolar and manic depression. An account to myself that yes, this is where you started — but look how far you’ve come. It is going to be raw, real, and at times it’s going to be down right crappy. But it is my life, my soul – my way of bearing it all for the world and God to see. I can’t keep ignoring it and hiding it. It is time to come clean and be real.

So let’s be real.

I’ll see you soon.
Steph